Kidney Update Thingee Part Eight: the horrible dick jokes version…

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...well, they're boned.

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…lets get this thing going. I created this blog in 2015, with the idea of having a place to post about my favourite things. Two-years later and that’s pretty much still the plan, but I think I’ll also include updates on what’s happening in my life, you know, the stuff blogs are made for. So, yeah, stuff I find on YouTube, and health stuff. Like, today, I had a stent removed from my body.

The procedure is called a cystoscopy. Basically the doctor inserts this wire into my… well, the place your mother told you to stop touching while you were grocery shopping. He uses the wire to grab the stent which was implanted to attach my new kidney to my bladder, then simply pulls it out. Simple. Or simply horrible. Who thinks of these things?

The cystoscope itself is “a lighted tube” which is “gently inserted up the urethra into the bladder”. A lighted tube can never, ever, be gently inserted anywhere, let alone straight down the bald-headed giggle stick. So once the cystoscope had been gently inserted up my dangling participle, the doctor then injects “sterile water” to “expand the bladder to get a clear view” of the stent. Then he hooks on, and whooosh, out of the end of my poozle weasel comes this eight-inch white plastic stent. The entire procedure, from a sterile wash of my Rodzilla while my legs were in stirrups, to the insertion of the cystoscope into my schlongasaurus rex, to the removal of the stent from my one-eyed wonder wiener, took less than a minute.

I’m still walking a little funny.

Anyway, this is one of my favourite songs. It’s about a guy who disappears, and his buddies are pretty sure he has either been disappeared by the mob, or that he’s on the run.

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“Mais où est donc carnior”, by ‘Les Dales Hawerchuk’ (self-titled album, 2005)

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On a retrouvé sa voiture dans une ruelle pas trop sure
Je sais, ce mec est une ordure, il consomme des drogues dures
Les Hells ne le voulaient plus vivant
Peut-être est-il dans le St-Laurent
Les deux pieds coulés dans le ciment

Mais où est donc Carnior ?
Est-il vivant ou est-il mort?

Sa mère se fait du mauvais sang
Sa femme attend un autre enfant
Il les a laissés sans argent
C’est bien normal, y’a snif tout le temps
M’as dis son père hier en sacrant
Je sais ce mec est un sans cour
Peut-être se planque-t-il en équateur
Ou au chalet de sa belle-sour

Mais où est donc Carnior ?
Est-il vivant ou est-il mort?

Mais où est donc Carnior ?
Est-il vivant ou est-il mort?

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…rough Google translation:

We found his car in a lane not too sure
I know, this guy is a junk, he consumes hard drugs
The Hells no longer wanted him alive
Maybe it’s in the St. Lawrence
The two feet cast in the cement

But where is Carnior?
Is he living or dead?

Her mother is doing bad blood
His wife is expecting another child
He left them without money
It’s normal, there’s snif all the time
I told her father yesterday by sacking
I know this guy is a heartless
Perhaps it hides in the equator
Or at his sister-in-law’s cottage

But where is Carnior?
Is he living or dead?

But where is Carnior?
Is he living or dead?

...the end.

Bonus Dick Joke: My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It’s now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.

About Gabriel...

I used to like toast.
This entry was posted in kidney update, music and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Kidney Update Thingee Part Eight: the horrible dick jokes version…

  1. Michelle says:

    a guy in the stirrups. Who knew guys got to experience the stirrups.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Susan Jephcott says:

    You gave me a chuckle.Thank you….it is wonderful that you can make a painfull and what must be a scary situation funny. Good writingxx Susan

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gabriel... says:

      Thanks for commenting, Susan.

      I was pretty nervous in the days leading up to the procedure… but my mantra during this whole experience has been to just trust the nurses and doctors, and, on the day of the cystoscopy, the nurses were very reassuring and explained in detail what was going to happen. So there were no surprises. It wasn’t nearly as painful as I thought it was going to be, but I’d never like to go through it again.

      Like

  3. Alyssa Dines says:

    Hahaha! ‘Dangling participle’ freaking hilarious my Friend! Good read, thanks! 😄

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gabriel... says:

      Thanks Alyssa… you should have read some of the ones I didn’t post. Wormy McJuicemaker was one of the PG-13 ones I could’ve gone with. I had a whole list of R-rated ones I could’ve gone with.

      Like

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